MY NIGHT WITH JAY LENO
The night I got to hang with a hero and then blew it




I've been blessed to be both a comic and an entertainment reporter for a long time now, and my favorite moments are when those two worlds intersect. And the greatest moment they came together so far had to be the night I got to hang out with Jay Leno.

Jay was the first comics i truly was amazed by, back when he appeared on the original NBC David Letterman show throughout the '80s to express his latest beef with the world. He had bite, and was edgy then, like an early version of Lewis Black. He became the safe, softer guy once he took over "The Tonight Show" in 1992.

But it was in 2008 that i got my chance to hang out with him. I needed a couple quotes from him for a story, and I'd been longtime friends with Jay's best friend, the brilliant comic and writer Jimmy Brogan. Brogan told me he could get me a brief interview with Jay at one of his Sunday night shows at the Comedy and Magic Club in the LA suburb of Hermosa Beach. Jimmy said he'd pick me up and take me there.

Imagine my shock when, instead of Jimmy showing up, a giant gold 1950s era car with fins pulled up a half block away from my pickup location and revved its engine loudly. At first, i ignored it. Then, i thought, "OK, i'm impressed. You have a small penis." Then, finally, on the third loud rumble, i turned and waved my arms like "WHAT?!"

And that's when none other than Jay Leno leaned out the driver's side window and yelled, "Kozlowski! Get your ass in here!"

I felt like the wind was knocked out of me, disoriented, my head literally turning in all directions to see if there were hidden camera capturing this as a prank for Jay or possibly for "Punk'd." I staggered towards the car, wondering where Jimmy was, opened the door and... Heard giggling from the back. I looked over the seat and there was Jimmy - a grown man in his 50s- curled up on the floor, laughing his ass off while hiding from me.

I got in and Jay quickly laid out the rules for the night.

"If you're here as a comic, we can talk about anything, as long as it's off the record except what you need for your story. Or if you're here as a reporter, we won't talk about much at all."

The comment seemed innocuous, but it was clear this was a night for comic brotherhood.

"Um, i'm here as a comic!" I replied, stunned and excited at what was about to unfold.

As we cruised down the freeway with the sun going down in a spectacular display, Jay told me his thoughts on Hillary and Bill Clinton, and on Barack Obama. Suffice to say, he's a Republican and has not been shy about it - he introduced both Arnold Schwarzenegger's campaign for governor and again on the night he won.

I asked him how he handles interviews with stars he doesn't respect, which is probably a fair amount of them after then 16 years as a host. Or a bad movie. He told me that Johnny Carson taught both him and Letterman to ask things like, "So, how'd you decide to do this movie?" if it was a stinker. It sounded pleasant enough for audiences without being an endorsement of it, while gently scolding the stars under the surface with that question REALLY meaning "What were you thinking?!"

The rest of that first drive has faded from memory, but we got to the club, had an amazing evening chowing down on fantastic food in the stars' green room, with other star comics filing in and out to pay homage to Jay. He killed at his show, back to his feisty 1980s style as he did a 90 minute show and then went through index card jokes to test material for the coming week's monologue..

Then came the ride after. That's when things got crazy.

We were heading back to his place in Beverly Hills when Jay saw a McDonalds. He instantly asked "Who wants ice cream?!" When Jimmy - thin as a rail - didn't answer, i nervously kept my mouth shut. Reporters weren't supposed to get free things from interview subjects, even ice cream. AND i didn't want to draw more attention to the fact i was fat as hell.

But Jay asked again: "Who wants ice cream?!" and then looked over at me and said "I know YOU want some!" And then he poked me in my belly and somehow that was ticklish and i laughed, with a snort.

This set Jay off.

"Are you ticklish?! Hey, Jimmy, he's ticklish! Look at this!" And as we waited to pull into the drive through line, Jay Leno proceeded to tickle me as i laughed uncontrollably, turning purple with deep embarrassment. The more desperate i became, the more he had to keep tickling.

Then, Jay took a break from the tickling and tried to completely cut in line on the drive through. He was coming in from a side lane and breaking ahead of about a dozen cars, which started honking or yelling out "Hey, asshole!"

Well, they did that until they saw Jay stick his head out the window and say "Sorry!" Then, as with all celebrities, the transgression was forgiven.

So we pull up to the checkout window and Jay says "Who wants chocolate dipped?" I was resolute in my silence, and tried to cover my belly instinctively to prevent further assault, but as the checkout lady took Jay's money, he managed to attack me anyway.

"Watch this!" And then he started tickling me again, as the girl stared, and Jimmy left me to suffer on my own, simply laughing in the back seat. I thought i was going to black out before Jay finally laid off me.

But i had my chocolate dipped cone, and so did he. We pulled away and kept heading to his place as we ate them.

About an hour later, we pulled into his driveway. A lone light was on in the house, Jay said it was his wife Mavis inside. Then we went into his garage, and he had some sort of legendary car inside, sorry i forget which. He and Jimmy admired and discussed it while i looked around at an array of memorabilia and photos from his career and travels.

Jay asked me where i was from. I told him Little Rock, Arkansas, and that when i was 16 he came to town and i went to see him and laughed so hard i was literally sore for two days from doubling over laughing. He then said "You know, the city gave me a sign as a gift when i was there."

I remembered a newspaper photo of him holding that sign. I freaked out.

"LENO ROCK! Yes, that was amazing!" I exclaimed.

Then Jay walked over to a corner of the garage, rooted around and pulled that very sign out of a pile of stuff. He held it up and then handed it to me.

I stared at it with awe, a wash of memories from the past 20 years or more of my life flooding my mind. As Jay stood and smiled, i finally asked him a question that i now regret.

"Can i have this?!"

Jay looked instantly flummoxed.

"NO, you can't have that!"

He grabbed it back, put it away in the corner and then told me it was time for me to go.

I knew i had blown an opportunity to be on his good side for life. I had laughed, told good stories, let myself be tickled even.

But now it was all for naught. As i walked back to Jimmy's car, which had been parked in Jay's driveway, Jimmy said "Not the best thing to ask."

Roger that.